Monday, April 7, 2014

Of long distances - A letter

Do you think there is a possibility that we've dragged this on too long? Or a possibility that maybe we're both in this because we're afraid of what is really out there?

Or that maybe, we're too lazy to try? It can get tiresome.. the whole dating scene. And nothing is guaranteed at the end of a chase. For you, with me, I'm always here, aren't I?

Or maybe we're comfortable with the familiar? Or that we're afraid of the future? Of commitments? So we pursue a relationship that does not promise a future. Rather it is so impossible, we take comfort in it?

We never discuss the future? Do you realise that? We avoid talking about it because, according to us, it gets depressing. I say I'll move, but will I really?

You say you love me, but do you really?

I won't call it a mess. Far from it, it is the most convenient, easiest thing you could call a relationship ever! Because, we are not obligated to being with each other through thick and thin. You don't see me at the end of a horrible day, tired and drained. We don't see each other 24/7 for 6 months in a row which is probably enough time to be at each other's throat. Enough time to be on the other's case because the slightest thing you do will piss me off. And vice versa.

Am I being unkind? Unfair perhaps?

Maybe there is something good about our relationship. Deep in your heart.. do you truly, truly believe it?

I did. Out of love. Out of compassion. Out of naivety. Do I still? I don't know. I'm all out of hope. You're coming down to see me next week, and I'm running out of hope now. How fucking ironic. 

A series of chances and coincidences has made me face up to what we've been calling a relationship. A relationship deserves more than what we're putting into it babe. It deserves so much more care and love than we're giving it.

Do I doubt I love you? No I don't. But do I love you enough to change my entire life, leave everything familiar and hold dear to be with you? I don't know you enough. I don't know us enough to do that. We never had that chance. I don't think we ever will.

Yes, I might get that job in London. But it will be a temporary thing for me. And then what? Leave everything and come be with you? What if we can't stand each other at the end of the 6th month? Or the 1st? Do you really think, we have a love so strong that we can be oblivious to this cold, hard reality? That relationships need work. Relationships need proximity. Relationships need LOVE.

How do you give me love when you're so far away? I can't see it in your eyes. I can't feel it in your touch. Yes, I can hear it from your voice and the things you say. But it pales so much in comparison to actually having your face in front of me, its fucking pathetic that I can hold on to it and think it'll somehow carry me through.

Lets not be blind anymore babe. I love you. But my love isn't a love to move mountains. I can't do it. I don't have it in me. I need you beside me to feel that love. It took me a while but I'm admitting it out...honestly.

The thought of loosing you completely after this scares the hell out of me. But the thought of putting us through this charade, which is going to waste more of both our times, scares me more. We only live this life once! I took a chance with you, you must know that. And if I was with you, this would be entirely different. But think of the things either of us has to give up to be with each other. 

I wish things could be different; I wish I was the one who could have made you happy. You have no idea how much I wish that. But I can't. and I do so much want you to be happy.

I'll think of you everyday. I'll miss you everyday. But we are not in a relationship because of that. We aren't in a relationship...can't be in a relathionship because we're just not together. And worse, we don't know how to be.

~ 2007 #throwback


Monday, January 27, 2014

Of battles lost

"There are casualties, while you're sorting your life out. People get hurt. Hearts get broken," she said.

"I don't know what you want from me. Your life is in order and mine is not".

She looked at him sadly. Shaking her head, she said "It's not a competition".