Friday, February 18, 2011

You don't know a good thing till it's gone

I'm feeling the itch to write again, despite thinking that I wouldn't anymore. Unfortunately, my first post in a long while, is a very, very sombre one.

But then again, it has been a sobering last couple of months. So much has happened. Yet so little has truly changed.

I lost someone very dear to me towards the end of last year. He was my age. We were close once. But we had a fight a few years ago and stopped speaking to each other. It was a silly fight over a parking space and some other petty shit I don't completely remember. We never made up. My pride refused to let me make the first move. He too, had pride the size of Africa. Just two weeks before the tragic incident, he passed a very important exam which he had been working really hard for the last couple of years. The family threw a celebration. At the party, I had this urge to just go up to him, extend my hand and wish him 'congratulations'.

But I didn't. I shoved the impulse away. My pride won. Again.

The younger me used to run to him with boy trouble. He never let me wallow in self-pity. I remember, when I was 21 or 22, I broke up with a dude and it seemed like the end of the world. At midnight, I ran to him wanting some comfort. He was already standing outside his place waiting for me. I ran into his arms, he hugged me and just said gruffly 'Forget him'. He then took me out for a drive. We stopped at a friend's house and by 2am I was laughing again.

I took it for granted that we would have all the time in the world to make up.

How was I to know or even remotely anticpate that I would receive an awful call at 3.30am, close to dawn a fateful day in October, informing me that he was gone. I'll never forget that feeling of fear that immediately gripped me and refused to shake off for weeks. I'll never forget the visit to the mortuary with his sister the next morning. Seeing him on that steel trolley, half covered with a black bag, is the stuff of all my nightmares rolled into one tragic, one very real moment.

Of all the clichés in the world, I'm now relating to this one: you don't know a good thing till it's gone.

He was far from perfect. He had a short temper. He had way too much pride. He was a lot like me.

But his life was a hard one since he was a child whilst mine was mostly sheltered. For him to turn out to be all that he was despite everything he'd been through, makes him infinitely stronger, braver and finer than I could ever wish to be. A diamond in the rough. A gem underneath the rough, sometimes coarse exterior. I recognised the gem when I was younger. I lost sight of it in recent years...too caught up with my frivolous wants and demands. I'll probably kick myself for it for the rest of my life.

I miss you my brother. Rest in peace.

12 comments:

whydidn'tshefancyme said...

I had to do everything I could to fight back the tears reading this at work.

He sounds a lot like the brother that I lost that was always there for me when I needed him.

I feel for you I really do as it has been 17 years since I lost my brother & I still miss him a lot.

Take care.

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

:(

I can't imagine what you've been going through over the past couple of months. You're right, we never know how much time we have with people. I guess since I'm always far away from most of my family, it's really made me appreciate them when I see them. But you're right that it is so hard to make up when both are prideful and feel wronged.

My first thought when reading this though is that I'm sure he knew that you cared for him and he was probably going through the same pride issues as you! I like to think that the people that have left us are looking down in heaven and know how much they meant to us.

Just Sayin... said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. :( xo

On the other hand.. welcome back.
We've missed you.

Ken said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Matt79 said...

I'm really sad reading this - so sorry to hear that this happened.

Little Miss Angry said...

thank you all for your wishes.

whydidn'tshefancyme - i'm really sorry for your loss too. i was sorta crying when i was writing this...

30ty - i sorta hope so too. it is a comforting thought and it's the only thing that keeps us (me) from falling completely apart.

simplysolo said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. This was very beautiful. Take care of yourself during your mourning time.

Little Miss Angry said...

thank you simplysolo.

Larissa said...

I am so sorry for your loss, just now found this. I hope you come back to blogging, you are missed! xxx

Tiffany A. said...

wow...i had a dream about that guy in my life last night and have been thinking about wheather or not i should apoligize and try to make up for the year we've already lost...
but much like you my pride has been getting in the way...i tried to reconnect and apoligize back in April and nothing came of it so i was convienced i would let it go and get over it...
i think stumbling upon this while i was simply looking for a picture in a google search is God's was of telling me i need to at least try to reconnect before its too late.

Tiffany A. said...

wow...i had a dream about that guy in my life last night and have been thinking about wheather or not i should apoligize and try to make up for the year we've already lost...
but much like you my pride has been getting in the way...i tried to reconnect and apoligize back in April and nothing came of it so i was convienced i would let it go and get over it...
i think stumbling upon this while i was simply looking for a picture in a google search is God's was of telling me i need to at least try to reconnect before its too late.

Miz Aventures said...

Coming a little late to this post since I just stumbled across your blog, but I'm fairly certain that there is internet in heaven or whatever afterlife you believe in. He knows how you felt and continue to feel about him.