Monday, September 13, 2010

I deserve better.

I've been repeating these words in my head like a mantra. This past week, it is how I greet myself in the mornings. I wake up and my mind, as a habit, starts thinking about him. But instead of allowing myself to wallow in some sentimental, nostalgic thought, I shake it off and tell myself, I deserve better.

Because you know what? I do

I mean I know this. It is not an overnight realisation. It is not something that just suddenly came to me. I know this. I demand quality in almost all aspects of my life. My family, my friends, my job, where I live, the places I eat.

I work hard and I get paid well for it. I have been blessed with a supportive, loving family. I mean we have our issues but underlying all that is a steady, unwavering love which keeps me strong even in my darkest moments. And my friends... I have no time for wayward friends.

I generally eat well. I take care of my body. My studio is cosy and comfortable because I've made it so. I love going back to my place to unwind after a long day at work. I've filled it with photographs of happy memories, little plants, plenty of books, my travel artifacts and scented candles. The rent is costly, but I pay it because I deserve a good place to live. I bought myself a decent car because I wanted one to drive around. I buy myself gorgeous shoes because I basically deserve those little treats. I spend money on manicures and pedicures and facials and spas and little holidays because I deserve all of this.

So why is it, when I demand for so much from basically all aspects of my life, do I settle for so little when it comes to a boy? Why do I make excuses for him and tell myself it is OK that he did not show on the day we were supposed to meet to have our 'talk'? Why did I so readily accept his apology the next day when he claimed 'some things came up'... when I knew he was deliberately avoiding me? Why did I excuse his behaviour based on some bullshit that I've been fed that says guys hate confrontation and so it makes it OK for him to not show? Newsflash - I hate confrontations too, but I'm willing to do it because WE FUCKING HAVE ISSUES TO RESOLVE!

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Talking to a friend last Thursday showed me just how many excuses I was making for him. All to justify me continuing to see him, talk to him and be with him. The cherry on the icing has to be when I told her "You know, I feel if I gave up on him, there might not be anyone else who'd really be there for him. He is that isolated."

She looked at me and said what any good friend would in that situation "Babe, that honestly is his problem. You should take care of yourself first, don't you think?"

Hmm. Succinct.
So, no doubt he has been my friend. No doubt he has cheered me up when I was feeling down. No doubt we have fun when we are together.

But, we have crossed lines that friends should not have crossed. We have said and done things which make a platonic relationship impossible. All that loving in the dark, forbidden touches, whispers of sweet nothings, only to be greeted by the harsh light of the next day, where he pretends I didn't spend the night in his arms and I pretend it's fine, because I don't want to bloody rock the boat - it is not what I want.

Because guess what, I fucking deserve better.

21 comments:

Ken said...

Uh... he didn't show up? WTF?

Yay to little plants, books and scented candles. The studio sounds like a nice little sanctuary.

Little Miss Angry said...

WTF indeed ken.. he didn't bloody show!!

and yes, it is my little haven. yay to the genius who invented scented candles! :)

The Savage said...

You deserve better...

I'm not having much luck with internet dating. I need to get out of the town I live in...

jo said...

well said. you do deserve better. better than some stupid guy who just didn't show up when he should have man-ed up and resolved these issues a long time ago. so yes, number one comes first. time for you to stop making excuses for him and put yourself first.

"Just Sayin....." said...

You deserve better. It's easy said than done. It takes work on your part too.

I'm surprised at the respect that is showed towards myself when I started only worrying about ME.

He didn't show up nor called to say he wasn't coming?
I would simply not care about his ass anymore, move on.

You'll be pleasantly surprised how quickly people(men) get their shit in order to get your time.

Your apt sounds like a little piece of heaven. :)

Catherine said...

RIGHT ON! You do deserve better. We all do. But sometimes it's so easy to take shit from guys that you wouldn't take from friends, family, work, etc. I know, I struggle with this daily. Thanks for this post. It's a good reminder that you should never settle for less than you deserve. I know you will find it too.

Matt79 said...

That's so poor that he didn't show up - after we all commented on your post too! I hope he knows that he's let us down as well as letting you down! I mean, I know he doesn't know about the blog, but maybe subconsciously he can feel that a lot of people are disappointed in him!

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

I think you should dump his ass. He obviously didn't give two craps about something that meant a lot to you. The fact that you set a time and place up to meet with him and then he just doesn't show!?! Piss poor is that. I wonder what really good guys, guys that WILL show up, are not even noticed or given space in your heart because of all this energy this jackass is taking up in it.

And I agree about spending a bit more to have a sanctuary. Sooooo worth it!

Snafugirl said...

I blame Hollywood for this. They make us think we can turn a bad boy good. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's the fault of the romantic comedy, not your fault :)

sheahnee said...

Way to go! Ive always thought you deserved way better than that sorry pathetic and weak excuse of a man. You are a strong, talented and beautiful woman... now why in heck would you settle for a guy like that :-)

Rock on Little Miss Angry! (and try to smile a little)

Little Miss Angry said...

savage - internet dating sucks! hit the bars!! :)

jo - you said it. man-ed up!

just sayin - you're right. definitely easier said than done. it's an effort but i'm trying! worry about the weak moments.. probably have to keep coming back to this post to remind myself!

catherine - one of the things i like about sharing - you just never know how many others are going through the same thing. so all together now 'we deserve better!!' :) thanks and good luck to you too!

matt - lol. that's an interesting idea. you know sometimes you just feel things are off.. maybe it's all the collective energy of people not pleased/happy or dissapointed with you. well, i hope he feels it!!!

30ty - it's wasn't like i was sitting somewhere waiting for him or anything. he was supposed to call me to let me know what timehe could make it. but it still felt bad enough. had too much pride to call him though especially since the ball was on his court!

glad you agree about the sanctuary :)

snaf - yes, the romantic comedies, novels, sitcoms (think rachel and ross, where friends do end up together..). but there's only so much you can blame these before you have to start taking responsibility for your own actions. that's what i'm trying to do anyway. key word..trying! :)

shen - ah woman. thank you. love your indignation on my behalf :) don't worry. i'm actually fine. kinda tired of the whole thing really.

Wombat said...

Something came up?

At least he could have invented something better than a worn-out bogus lie like that.

Had he said that he had to fly out urgently to prevent a coup d'├ętat in a small country...well that's an excuse.

Anonymous said...

Hi Little Miss Angry,
I've just started reading your blog and can relate totally. I have one of these 'boys' too who periodically pops up and, guess what, when I'm not interested, he is and when I am, he isn't. It's like dancing the Charleston and I'm afraid, I pretty much take it on that level these days. It's better to find someone who loves you. They are out there. In the meantime, if you like dancing the Charleston, do, but take it with a huge pinch of salt- that should make things much easier!

Miss City Girl said...

I can't believe he didn't show up! He's really not worth it but I know this is easier said than done.

Stay strong. Keep yourself busy with your friends and various other activities. You deserve to be treated like the goddess you are and if he's not willing to even show to talk things through... then you know what, forgive him and forget him.

Stay strong!
xxx

Amanda said...

I keep telling myself the same thing, yet settling for crap. I hope it gets better for you

I left you an award on my blog

http://thesecretlifeofakiss.blogspot.com/2010/09/how-lovely-to-be-kissing-slut.html?zx=5efe714aa48ed84a

Little Miss Angry said...

wombsie - if you must lie, lie BIG right? ;)

anon - glad you're reading :) i know what you mean and i agree. me and this dude have way too much history to ever dance the charleston. so i guess i HAVE to move on!

miss city girl - thank you. i am keeping myself so very busy :) and i love what you said about forgiving and forgetting!

amanda - thanks. hope it does for you too. we should BOTH stop settling for CRAP!! and thanks for the award! YAY! :)

Sandra said...

So what will you do now? Will you continue to accept the situation, or do what will probably be very difficult, and cut the ties that bind you?

Wombat said...

Right!

Little Miss Angry said...

sandra - i'm not sure i can accept it anymore, so i'm leaning towards cutting the ties. though like you said, it won't be easy :(

wombsie - :)

jassy said...

same here.......im a repeater for disaster

Tiffany A. said...

AMEN TO THAT!