Monday, September 20, 2010

I'm not your Mrs. Right, but...

As I sat with Mr. P yesterday in front of the TV watching yet another horror flick, guessing who was going to die next, our conversation took a turn to this...

"I'm getting married next year" I say suddenly. (Btw, I'm NOT, I just wanted to provoke a reaction from him).

"What? You're kidding.." he says, looking at me disbelievingly.

"No, I'm not. I'm serious. It's all set. I'm working out the details now."

He's silent. I stare at the TV trying not to laugh. After a while...

"How did this happen?" he asks.

I say as nonchalantly as I can, "Oh, it's an arranged marriage. My mum introduced us."

"You are kidding, right?"

I don't answer. I just smile. Still not looking at him.

"God. You're serious! What the fuck?"

"Why can't I get married?" I ask.

"But why arranged? can't meet someone at a bar or something?"  he says mockingly.

"Well, I haven't met anyone 'marriable' at a bar so far.... I don't think that's going to change."

"What dodgy bars do you hanging out at?" he quips.

I smack him.

He laughs. Then says "Well, it is very third world of you... "

"What? Shut up. I'm not getting any younger. And I want a baby."

"I'll give you a baby" he says kissing me at the side of my head.

"Very funny" I retort, "I can't have a baby out of wedlock. Too much of a scandal."

"Then we should get married" he states readily.

But... as soon as he says it, he starts laughing.


Monday, September 13, 2010

I deserve better.

I've been repeating these words in my head like a mantra. This past week, it is how I greet myself in the mornings. I wake up and my mind, as a habit, starts thinking about him. But instead of allowing myself to wallow in some sentimental, nostalgic thought, I shake it off and tell myself, I deserve better.

Because you know what? I do

I mean I know this. It is not an overnight realisation. It is not something that just suddenly came to me. I know this. I demand quality in almost all aspects of my life. My family, my friends, my job, where I live, the places I eat.

I work hard and I get paid well for it. I have been blessed with a supportive, loving family. I mean we have our issues but underlying all that is a steady, unwavering love which keeps me strong even in my darkest moments. And my friends... I have no time for wayward friends.

I generally eat well. I take care of my body. My studio is cosy and comfortable because I've made it so. I love going back to my place to unwind after a long day at work. I've filled it with photographs of happy memories, little plants, plenty of books, my travel artifacts and scented candles. The rent is costly, but I pay it because I deserve a good place to live. I bought myself a decent car because I wanted one to drive around. I buy myself gorgeous shoes because I basically deserve those little treats. I spend money on manicures and pedicures and facials and spas and little holidays because I deserve all of this.

So why is it, when I demand for so much from basically all aspects of my life, do I settle for so little when it comes to a boy? Why do I make excuses for him and tell myself it is OK that he did not show on the day we were supposed to meet to have our 'talk'? Why did I so readily accept his apology the next day when he claimed 'some things came up'... when I knew he was deliberately avoiding me? Why did I excuse his behaviour based on some bullshit that I've been fed that says guys hate confrontation and so it makes it OK for him to not show? Newsflash - I hate confrontations too, but I'm willing to do it because WE FUCKING HAVE ISSUES TO RESOLVE!

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Talking to a friend last Thursday showed me just how many excuses I was making for him. All to justify me continuing to see him, talk to him and be with him. The cherry on the icing has to be when I told her "You know, I feel if I gave up on him, there might not be anyone else who'd really be there for him. He is that isolated."

She looked at me and said what any good friend would in that situation "Babe, that honestly is his problem. You should take care of yourself first, don't you think?"

Hmm. Succinct.
So, no doubt he has been my friend. No doubt he has cheered me up when I was feeling down. No doubt we have fun when we are together.

But, we have crossed lines that friends should not have crossed. We have said and done things which make a platonic relationship impossible. All that loving in the dark, forbidden touches, whispers of sweet nothings, only to be greeted by the harsh light of the next day, where he pretends I didn't spend the night in his arms and I pretend it's fine, because I don't want to bloody rock the boat - it is not what I want.

Because guess what, I fucking deserve better.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

To list or not to list

I have finally decided to broach the topic of 'our friendship' with Mr. Stupid. Yes, I know, it seems a tad bit belated or slow or whatever. But the thing is I hate confrontations and we've only started being civil with each other again this year despite little upheavals like when he started dating Ms Gab-A-Lot.

I didn't want to rock the boat.

But now I don't want to not address the fact that we've crossed over to the 'more than friends' zone more than a few times this year.

It is confusing. And frustrating. And irritating.

So we've decided to discuss it like adults. I suggested. He agreed.

And now I'm freaking out.

I'm better with words when I write out what I feel. Verbal confrontation just makes me nervous.

So I've come up with a list which I am going to carry with me on the day of the confrontation discussion, basically to steer me the right way and so I won't forget what I came to say because I got nervous or angry. (I can just imagine his face when he sees that list)

Anyway the list looks something like this:

So, how crazy am I going to look? :p