Saturday, February 6, 2010

Mr. Stupid

I started this blog as an angry retaliation towards Mr. Stupid. Along the way it has become something else, but I began writing the blog because I had all this anger towards this one person and no real way of channeling it.

Anyway, it started because I thought Mr. Stupid had wronged me in some way. Led me on and then blew me off. We were so close emotionally and physically, but when it finally came down to making a decision about us, I felt he made the wrong one. I was so mad.

The thing is, he was no 'great' love of mine. We were never in a 'real' relationship. We never called each other cute names. But we did spend enourmous amounts of time with each other. We talked to each other every day. Sometimes for hours. Most important, we laughed together. He was my friend.. and so much more. A friend with benefits of sorts. I thought we were so in tune with each other, we should definitely take this to the next level. He thought not. I couldn't understand why and behaved like a child who did not get that candy she wanted. I threw tantrums. I got petulant. And when all that failed I used guilt. But it was like hitting myself against the wall, because my outbursts never got me the responses I wanted. On hindsight, of course, I realise I took the worst approach possible.

And because I had done all I could to anger him in real life and because on some level I realised what I was doing wasn't just hurting him, but me too, I took my angry venting online. Hence, this blog. Along the way, the anger dissipated, of course, and I moved on. And we're civil now, at least most of the time minus a couple of slip ups. I still care about him, not in the crazy way before, thank god and I'm pretty sure he genuinely cares about me too.

The only problem is as much as I still want him in my life, I am afraid of history repeating itself. The danger is I feel so comfortable with him and we know each other so well, that we sort of fall into a false pattern of ease, using each other to fill up the gap of not having a significant other in our lives. And then slowly and sneakily, without really any conscious decision on my part, I end up wanting more. And that's square one for you.

Its dangerous. And its stupid. Because, by doing this, we're not really allowing each other to grow or move on in the real sense of the word. So as much as I'm enjoying his tentative re-entrance into my life under the guise of a platonic friend, I'm not sure how long that's going to last until the truth about how I really feel about our situation comes to the surface.

Looks like I'll have to wait and see.


Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

I wish you would post more often! I enjoyed every word of this. Reminded me of a situation I was in last year when a girl I liked wasn't ready for a relationship but we stayed close - I was kidding myself that anything more would happen.
Read about my dating disasters at plentymorefishoutofwater

Kate said...

Hmmm I can totally sympathise with this. I still have ahuge part of me that loves my ex despite the fact i know he is not a good person. Sending you a hug

Kate xx

little miss angry said...

thanks fish!! and i'd really like to know more about that girl you liked. worthy enough for a blog post? :) was she one of those who got away?

kate - the thing is mr.stupid is actually a nice guy. sometimes things just don't work out i guess. sometimes its timing, sometimes its a missing something.. i call 'em missing links. but if your ex is not a good person, then he isn't good enough for you! ;)

Kitty Moore said...

Hmm..tread carefully LMA..please

Kitty x

little miss angry said...

i'll try kitty..