I’d been on a dating hiatus mostly cause the last few dates I’d had were crap. Nothing special, no connection, no chemistry. Just plain downright crap.
Hence, without consciously deciding to do so, I took a break from it all – the dating scene. Did it feel good? No, not really. I just had a lot more time for work, got buried in it. And I basically hid myself away from the world. No boys for 2 whole months.
2 weeks ago Mr. Photographer (we’ll call him Mr. P) texted me. Mr. P is someone I slept with once 3 or 4 years ago when I was on a rebound from one of my relationships. We’ve not really been in touch except for a few texted messages exchanged over the span of the last 3 or 4 years. I met him once this year for drinks in February, I think, and we kissed. But I didn’t hear from him after. Nothing new.
Anyway, this last text message which came in 2 weeks ago which was the usual ‘You busy?’ message that came in at almost mid-night, I replied and we made plans to meet up which kept getting cancelled till we finally met for drinks at a German bar last week. There was something different about this meet-up cause we ended up talking, like really, really talking. I don’t know if it was because of the hiatus, or the long-string of bad dates or my feeling lonely, but we ended up talking about why we never dated and why shouldn’t we date (maybe?). He’s cute. With a very nice body, with a pierced nipple – but hey, who am I to judge. And he found me sexy. So, we kissed again (more passionately I thought somehow than I remembered from before) and he said he’ll call. And when the idea was put into my head (about why we shouldn’t date – maybe?), all I could think about for the next few days was just that!
Why not? I asked myself. Of course there were a hundred and one reasons including the fact that he’s 40, a bit of a hobo, lived in a house that screamed I could up and leave anytime I wish. It came with a yellow patched up sofa. Nice photos on the wall though thanks to the artist in him.
But did all of that stop me from wondering if this might not be the best idea.
A big fucking NO!
My mind just turned oblivious to all of the facts and started entertaining romantic notions of how nice it’d be to date a ‘free-willed’ person such as he. Sounded better in my head than hobo.
I was so pre-occupied with these thoughts for 2 whole days that it slipped me that he hadn’t call. And when he did get in touch again, it was another text close to midnight asking me to ‘come over if I wasn’t busy’. I went. We watched a movie, made out and I left.
The next day (you’d think I’d have gotten some sense by now) but no I was still stuck in my god-knows-what bubble; I texted him asking him to come to my office to meet me for lunch. Thinking, maybe I should be the one to well, perhaps steer him away from the midnight messages. Maybe if he sees me in daylight, he’ll notice there’s more to me than ‘midnight booty call’ (though there hadn’t been much booty between us – only that one time 3 or 4 years ago). Whatever.
He came. We had lunch in Starbucks. We talked. Laughed a bit. Then ran out of things to say to each other. I brushed it off then, thinking it was nothing - but my bubble has burst since.
He didn’t/ hasn’t called. What was I expecting really?
Lesson I learnt here (you’d think I’d know this by now): don’t mix up the 11 o’clock texts to mean anything more. Even if he might have been the one to suggest the ‘maybe there’s more’. Whatever his reasons may have been - maybe he was feeling lonely too, or he was on a rebound this time, a ‘You busy?’ text is well exactly just that. It’s so astoundingly stupid to read more into it.
So why did I? Who the fuck knows. I blame it on the lack of dating/ meeting new men. Hiatuses from dating are just bad for you. Makes you think up all sorts of stupid things.
I don’t feel any resentment towards Mr. P. Really. This was all just in my head.