I was amazed at how much emotion reading this old mail brought up. Its been so bloody long since I felt this way and this much..sometimes I wonder if I ever will again..
April 4, 2006
I'm not sure you want to hear from me. I do wish there was an easier way to deal with this. But that's wishful thinking. I guess we have our ways of dealing with all the things that happen to us... three weeks. Its been three weeks since we parted and I'm alternating between sadness and relieve. I haven't heard from you since.. haven't spoken to you at all except that brief YM encounter when you told me about how you still couldn't find an apartment. I tried calling you twice but you didn’t answer. Not sure if it was on purpose or you just missed it. Don't really care right now cause honestly what difference is it going to make?
Sadness, I'm sure you can grasp. But relieve..? That night when you told me you were so tired with this whole thing.. I couldn't really understand. I was a little drunk that night but I remember most of what you said. The next day however, though I was crying most of the day, I felt this incredible weight lifted off my shoulders. Is that a bad thing? I mean I didn't realize how much I was pushing myself for us.. didn't realize how tired I was also. I didn't want to loose you.... but I was weirdly grateful for the breather. The time to re-think my priorities. What was it I really wanted?
A, I do love you. Always will I think. Not the kind of love to move mountains obviously...and lately, I'm not sure if I'm capable of such love. Perhaps not. Perhaps, I am also selfish. I gave up as soon as you did. But I've learnt from the past, that holding on to something.. and being the only one to hold on to it..is incredibly stupid. And lets not even get into the heartache that comes from that. I can't. I can't let my heart break for you again. It barely survived before.
I don't have all the answers. When it comes to you I wonder if I'll ever get any answers. Why my heartcraves for you? Why it refuses to listen to logic? So I'm with you on this... I'm also tired of all the damn questions.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you. I miss you incredibly. The beautiful mornings we woke up to Frank Sinatra in the background and the sleepy nights we slept to Norah Jones's songs playing on your phone...the holding hands and kissing and love making... At times I think I want to just let you go. But then some memory of our time together creeps into my head. The time we spent walking in the art museum in Amsterdam..or that cold night we walked the streets of Paris with your arms around my shoulders. You standing among the crowd in the airport...waiting for me with a smile on your face. The taste of your lips when we kiss for the first time after months being apart. The look on your face when we said goodbye as I boarded the train. You muttered the words 'I'll miss you...' with a helpless look on your face...and tears were streaming down mine. Our walks by the river...in the park...at night. Sitting close and talking to you in that crowded, cramped American restaurant...with their lamp dangling so close to our heads and the very loud music...but I felt so close to you then. And all our other kisses, sometimes not really caring who saw us. Those passionate kisses. God.
So yes, I do miss you. I miss sharing with you my day. How classes went..or how work was or how your day passed. What you had for dinner or how you cooked yourself a meal. As mundane as they were.. I felt close to you. I felt that no matter what happened around me, I had you on my side and because of that I would be okay. I fell asleep everynight with a smile on my face knowing you were mine. I swear I don’t know how reminiscing is going to help either one of us. But I wanted you to know that I have many beautiful memories. You still bring a smile to my face. Aaargh! Can you imagine that?
You have been wonderful and you let me in. I felt it A... Don't write it off. Don't reduce us to just something of the past that you want to get over as soon as possible. I know how you can shut off. You told me and I've seen you do it. I could probably do something about that if I were there. But then we might not be facing this, if that were the case.
I'm not asking you back but I want you to remember me. Remember us. Don't forget how good it was, cause right now, only knowing that will I be able to feel a little better.
I'm fine really...coincidence had it that the very week you decided you wanted out, someone else walked into my life. So I have my distractions as I'm sure you have yours. I don't want any details... and I'll spare you mine.
Just take care my dearest dearest A. Fate, as it turned out gave us a chance to meet again. And what a meeting it was. Too bad we couldn't make it work....
I'm not ready to wish you happiness and love yet :) But one day I will.