Wednesday, February 4, 2009

When the past hits...

it hits you square in the stomach. Or is it the head. Probably both.

I found his (Mr.Stupid's) business card amongst some of the things I was clearing up on my desk. And for that short moment, my mind went blank. I stared at it for about 20 seconds before shoving it into the dustbin. But that didn't stop the memories from flooding in. The day he handed it to me after starting his new job. Telling me about his day and how it wasn't so easy adjusting to a new workplace. But it looked like fun, he had said. And then I stopped myself. If I let myself get this affected by a dumb business card... what the fuck was I going to do if I bumped into him in person?! At the gym or at some bar? We're registered at the same gym and we frequent the same places. What would I do then? Stand shell shocked looking like a fool?

I can't afford to do that. Sheeshh.

This 'relationship' whatever it was when it begin, is no longer. And going through my past journals is prove to that. Its been ending since it began!

April 2007
I’m crazy about this guy. But he is so irritatingly clueless about it… or pretends to be!


Its not just a river in Egypt. It’s a whole freakin ocean.

Yeah… so I think about the kiss we shared. Again and again. And the look in his eyes when we had dinner the other night. And the stories he tells me about just about everything. And the countless hours we spend on the phone. Talking about nothing. And the times we dance with each other and how he pulls me closer, holding me tightly at the waist. Moving to the music. Sometimes just moving…

How he does just about everything I ask him to. Even when it does not make sense. Like pouring me a glass of Baileys to drink when I’m seated on my bed. Absolutely wasted. Of course I spilt everything…everywhere. Broke the glass and everything. And how was I supposed to clean up? I couldn’t even stand straight.

I want this guy so bad. I want him cause he’s the sweetest, nicest guy I know. Cause he makes me laugh. And he’s smart…sometimes annoyingly so.

And I want him.. cause he is so absolutely straight laced, insufferably honest and believes in being a gentleman to the point of… me wanting to smack him so hard in head.

June 2007
He has been pulling away for as long as I can remember. If that isn’t a sign enough for me…I don’t know what is. I need to someway get a grip of myself and find myself again. The person who didn’t mind being alone. The person he wanted to just hang out with and have fun with. Not the person who couldn’t stand seeing him dance with another girl. Who made out with his friend.
Who ended up throwing away a precious gift just because she was jealous.

But as soon as he pulls away, he comes right back. Doing all the things I want him to and being the man I find incapable of resisting. His smile literally makes me warm all over. And I catch myself staring at his hands, his ringed finger and his neck, and his side profile. All when he’s not looking. A fucking love struck puppy. It’s quite pathetic….

He stayed over at my place yesterday. We were together practically the whole day. I was in his place…and felt the sexual tension rising between us throughout the day. But none of us doing anything about it. I was sitting as far away as possible from him. And I knew, all I needed to do was lean over and he would kiss me. But I didn’t. Not then anyway. And our mock fight over the newspaper. Him grabbing me… and me pulling away. Bloody 17 year olds.

We went shopping. Stopped over at Chilis for margaritas. And everything after that was history repeating itself. We got back to his place. I leaned over and we started kissing. He missed his movie which he was supposed to catch with his friends, instead came over to my place, stayed over and dropped me in office this morning. Like my boyfriend. That he is not.

Sigh. How long will I have to wait for this idiot?

Just gonna enjoy the ride till that moment. That would be the wisest thing I could do actually.

August 2007
Dear Stupid,

You’re so warm one minute and so distant the next. I don’t get you. Saturday night you were hugging me, touching my hands and kissing my forehead while we were sleeping. And then Sunday night when we went to sleep you didn’t even come close. And on the way to work, before you dropped me off, I had no idea what was going on in your head. No emotions whatsoever. No first day at work jitters. No excitement. No look in your eye indicating you might actually miss me since I’ll be away for a week. Nothing.

Again, you’re driving me nuts. And I’m over analysing. And I need to stop whining and bitching about this. I swear, I’ve had just about enough.

The thing is almost always, you come around and do something else that I can’t resist.

I’m crazy about you. That much I know. Wish I knew where I stood with you. When are you going to let me in?

You do so much for me. You give me so much. But you hold back so much more. When are you going to let go?

I’m not sure how long I can stay like this. The masochistic part of me will probably want to hold on longer than I should. And I might even hold on longer than I probably ought to. But I know I have my breaking point. And I hope to god you don’t push me there.

I’m here now with you because I care about you. I do. And being with you makes me happy. I refuse to play games. I know my pride gets in the way sometimes. Still, I try.

So, now all I can do is wait. And you must know how incredibly difficult this is for me. Knowing how fucking impatient I am and can be.


Little Miss Angry

January 2008
He said he loved me too. I’ve never said it to him before.. but I guess it is obvious. But what makes him think he can assume that… even I’m not sure what I feel. I don’t know what I feel.
Somewhere in June we decided we would be just friends. Somewhere in July we slept together again. And history just about repeated itself. You'd think I'd have learnt much sooner that this was doomed from the start. But some part of me wonders if I was only attracted to him because he was unavailable. But that's a story for another day.

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